Auxiliary Rules and Regulations for the Personnel
by Lady Mayrid
Summary: The 'Atlantis Handbook' as mentioned in my last chapter. Thought ya'll might like it, if you do, please let me know. Read and Review.


**A/N:** Hello my peeps! Okay, so, as I believe I mentioned in this section of my last update, the idea of this list wasn't originally mine but rather the wonderful Cammy's. She has graciously allowed me to use several of her rules but, that having been said, I have taken the liberty to reword, rewrite, add, tweak and otherwise change the following list in order to suit my characters and my story. This is the list that is talked about over dinner in my last chapter and is as it would be by the end of season 7. There are more rules that will be added to it throughout next season but, I didn't want to give ya'll any spoilers so I took those rules off. I hope you all like it, I'm going through a bit of a dry spell lately so the next installment of Season 7 might take a while (curse you, writer's block!). Hopefully this will keep ya'll entertained at least for a bit until I can pump out another chapter. As always, read, review and enjoy. Cheers!

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**Auxiliary Rules and Regulations for the Personnel of Atlantis **

1. Don't Die.  
a) Unless you are absolutly certain that there is someone there to bring you back to life.

2. When the scientists are creating weapons of mass destruction, do not disturb them.  
a) Unless you bring coffee.

3. Shoot first ask questions later is never a good idea.  
a) The next marine to shoot Todd because he "looked" like he was getting ready to do something will be on night details for the next month.

4. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong: Mr. Murphy is not your friend.

5. New members should listen to experienced members.  
a) Especially when it comes to the Wraith  
b) Even more so when they say not to touch something

6. Gambling is not permitted off world  
a) You could end up with a wife; or four

7. If the Ancients couldn't do it, chances are you can't do it either.  
a) Dr. McKay (he), is exempt from this rule  
b) As is Todd.

8. Do not trade weapons.

9. If they have sharp objects and/or guns, for the love of any God that will listen and hasn't been killed off by SG-1, do NOT mock them!

10. If you are going to create alcohol; be discrete.  
a) Do not blow up any labs doing so.  
b) Do NOT tell Woolsey.

11. Don't volunteer for anything while off world.  
a) You could end up married, sold into slavery or something even worse

12. No pets other then goldfish and the occasional hamster are allowed on base  
a) 'It followed me home' is not a legitimist excuse

13: Swimming is not allowed unless it is in one of the city's swimming pools or if you are doing it from one of the beaches on the mainland  
a) Always bring a buddy; no exceptions

14. Nobody gets left behind  
a) Not even Todd; unfortunately he's valuable

15. All military personal are herby banned from playing team sports on any one of the piers.  
a) All team sports must be played in either one of the designated recreational zones or on the mainland

16. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use duct tape.

17. Duct tape is a valuable and limited resource; use sparingly

18. When giving a report it is not acceptable to ask "Which version of the truth would you like to hear?"  
a) Unless you're reporting to Woolsey in which case you are to give the least incriminating version possible that will result in the least amount of paper work for Colonel Sheppard

19. Do not barter away your teammates  
a) No matter how condescending your science team member is

20. Avoid participation in off-world rituals where you are unsure as to the requirements involved

21. All new expedition members are required to attend mandatory briefings before being assigned their duties or being allowed off-world.  
a) Exceptions are those that have previously served at least one year on a SG team while stationed the SGC

22. There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity; do not cross it unless all other plans have failed

23. Plan A never works. Plan B works occasionally. Plan C is your best bet.

24. Do not trust the wraith, period.  
a) Except Todd.  
b) And Kenny.  
c) And the fortress commander from the prison planet.  
d) And Todd's oldest son.

25. Never insult the native's culture no matter how weird you may think it is

26. The Ancients were not omnipotent; even they did stupid things. For a complete list see Major Sheppard.

27. If at first you don't succeed, run away and come back later with more backup and another plan.  
a) Ronon, Major Sheppard and Todd by themselves do not consitute "more backup". Any combination of the three however, does.

28. Avoid eating native food off-world unless you have already been apprised as to what it is and any side effects it might have

29. It is never just a scratch. Attempts at dodging mandatory infirmary inspections after each returning mission will only result in a longer stay.

30. Never attempt to seduce a village leader's daughter(s).  
a) Just don't

31. Discrimination against any member of base personal for any reason be it sex, race, age, birth place, accent, sexual ordination or religion will result in the aggressor being locked in a room with Todd for an hour after a bucket of water has been poured over his head.

32. The Kama Sutra is not an acceptable example of Earth's art and culture.  
a) If you have one make sure Woolsey doesn't find it; you'll loose it

33. Personal problems do not go through the gate.

34. You are not allowed to attach leashes to the scientists to keep them from wandering off.  
a) Even though it works.

35. Alcohol is not allowed through the gate unless it is being brought _to_ Atlantis via a trade agreement.

36. Decaffeinated coffee is hereby banned from Atlantis.  
a) If you want it, keep it in your room

37. Be careful what you takes pictures of.  
a) Woolsey is not an understanding man nor is he as lenient as either Weir or Carter.

38. Hitting the son of the local ruler is never a sound idea.  
a) Even if he was getting a little too grabby with one of your female teammates

39. Just because someone dared you to do it doesn't mean you should.

40. The phrases: "How bad could it be?", "Nothing could go wrong now" or "What could possibly go wrong?" are never to be uttered off-world.

41. There is such a thing as Karma; you have been warned

42. Caves will either contain abandoned Genii mines, Michael's latest experiments or will collapse on top of you as soon as you enter them

43. When writing reports the wraith are not to be referred to as 'space vampires' or anything of a similar nature.

44. Being diplomatic never hurts and only rarely goes wrong

45. Remember, it's the crazy ideas that generally save your ass, don't mock the ones who come up with them.

46. If you're going to have a jumper race, don't tell Woolsey

47. If you're going to start a prank war, please notify the head of whichever department(s) you are in so that they can lie out their asses for you when Woolsey asks what's going on.

48. Nothing in this galaxy is idiot proof

49. All bets are to be placed with Lieutenant Scott

50. Avoid the wildlife if at all possible.  
a) Most of it will try to kill you.  
b) That includes the wildlife on Earth, expecially if it lives in a rain forest.

51. Don't do something stupid just to prove your point.

52. Nothing is impossible at least not here.

53. Surprise parties are not to be thrown for the marines.  
a) Or Ronon  
b) Or Major Sheppard

54. Do not decorate the gate without permission

55. Do not run with scissors

56. Never push the little red button

57. Legends are never just legends; they had to come from somewhere. Listen to the locals when they tell you about them.

58. Do not try and escape from the infirmary before the head medical examiner on duty says you can.

59. Do not taunt the wraith  
a) While still unwise, Colonel Sheppard is the only one permitted to taunt, tease or poke fun at Todd.  
b) Major Sheppard can do it too. Todd likes her, he won't eat her

60. Time travel is confusing and generates entirely too much paper work. Avoid if at all possible  
a) Same goes for visits to or from alternate realities. Just don't

61. Puddle jumpers do not glide, they fall; like rocks.

62. Dictionaries of Techno-Babble are to be distributed to all new military personal or anyone else who does not have at least one degree in a mathematical or scientifically driven field.  
a) The following military personnel have degrees in either a mathematical or scientific field: Colonel Sheppard, Major Sheppard, Major Lorne, Captain James, Lieutenant Kriss, Sergeant  
Ronald and Sergeant Ramous.  
b) No, we can't tell you who has what degree in what. If you want to know, go ask them.

63. Those who do not process the ATA gene are NOT to be referred to as insignificant mortals.

64. Bubble gum is not allowed Off-World.

65. Cute and cuddly does NOT mean the aforementioned critter is friendly

66. The kitchen staff does not care what you like.  
a) Arguing with them will achieve nothing.  
b) If, however, you go to them and ask them to prepare the weirdest thing they can think of because you're about to give it to Todd, there is a ninety-nine percent chance that they  
will do it.

67. The phrase: "In a galaxy far, far away", has henceforth been banned.

68. Appearances are deceptive.

69. The worse the weather is the more you will be required to be out in it.  
a) Todd hates water and his already charming demeanor darkens considerably when he's wet. You have been warned.  
b) The same can be said for extreme cold.

70. Never attempt to excuse your actions by saying "But it seemed like a good idea at the time".

71. When experimenting, use common sense.

72. Do NOT paint the Puddle Jumpers.  
a) The flame job on jumper twelve can stay because Colonel Sheppard thinks it's cool

73. If one of the locals gives you a map that tells you where some ruins of highly advanced Ancient technology are AND how to get back to the Stargate, DO NOT LOSE IT!

74. Do not bite the Wraith.  
a) Do not let the wraith bite you (Major Sheppard)

75. Don't give the natives nicknames before you've made friends.

76. The bigger the BOOM, the bigger the mess you'll have to clean up.

77. Do NOT refer to Colonel Sheppard as Captain Kirk or anything like it.

78. Do not build Lightsabers.

79. It is better to be safe than sorry.

80. If you are going to use code words, make sure your team understands the code words first.

81. The more unconventional the plan is, the better it will work.

82. Listen when people shout 'Duck!'

83. Do not pass notes during a briefing.

84. Pointing at one another and shouting "It's his fault!" will not get you out of trouble.

85. Do not leave your backpacks unattended to Off-World.

86. Many animals can understand your tone of voice. Do not be patronizing.

87. The ATA carriers are not to be treated as lab rats.

88. Do not get tattoos off-world.

89. Do not gossip in your mission reports.

90. If you are going to wander about Atlantis, stay in radio contact.

91. Play nice with one another.

92. Nothing is simple in this Galaxy and if you think it is then you're delusional.

93. If using explosives to fish with you must submit in pictures whatever it is you caught and forwards them to General O'Neill otherwise he will no longer be signing requisition orders for 'recreational' explosives.

94. If the natives say "Don't go there, it's dangerous" listen to them.

95. Do not insult anyone in another language unless you are absolutely certain that they do not know what it means.

96. Postcards from the Pegasus Galaxy are not to be sent to Earth.  
a) Unless the person reciving said post card is or has been a member of either the SGC or the Atlantis Expidition

97. Panic after the crisis is over.

98. Do not tease people who can kick your ass.

99. Stop creating new religions.  
a) Colonel Sheppard can't help it and is therefore exempt

100. The Marines are not glorified baby-sitters  
a) Or canon folder.  
b) We are here to protect you so when we say 'Move!' you move.

101. Do not joke about Atlantis sinking.  
a) It worries people.  
b) We've already sunk nearly twice. Let's not jinx ourselves okay?

102. If you are on a hive, in a wraith facility or any other wraith infested location and Todd tells you to do something then please, for the love of God, just do what he says.  
a) See rule 24 for a list of wraith who we can trust who are to be listened to as well in a situation similar to the one listed above.

103. Bumper stickers are not to be attached to puddle jumpers.  
a) Especially if you don't know what it means in Genii.

104. Sporks are not dueling weapons.

105. Colonel Sheppard is the only one allowed to name the wraith.

106. Do not poke energy beings.

107. You cannot drink the natives under the table. Don't try.  
a) Exclusions to this rule are Major Sheppard and Ronon  
b) And Todd. Nobody can drink Todd under the table.

108. Do not make up strange side effects to the ATA gene therapy.

109. Don't demand that everyone help you carry an alien machine back to the gate untill you know what it is.

110. Atlantis' chord organ is not for playing opera over the intercom at 3:30 AM!

111. Wraith are not potatoes. Jumpers are not potato mashers.  
a) If you squash one, you're cleaning it up!

112. Teaching Todd to play poker: perfectly fine. Inviting Todd to poker night: not so fine.

113. Do not use a Drone Weapon for the star on a Christmas tree!

114. Don't film the results!

115. Do not show this list to Woolsey.

116. Do not, for any reason, attempt to make Todd jealous. It will not end well and could possibly get someone killed.

117. Arguing with Todd is, in general, bad for your health. Avoid if at all possible. Todd has anger management issues and just because he doesn't _need_ to eat you doesn't mean he won't.

118. All plans conceived by Captain Laura Cadman must be run by either Teyla or Dr. Jennifer McKay first before being implemented.  
a) It's best for everyone.

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**A/N:** If anyone who has read my story thinks of another rule that they'd like to or think should be added, let me know. And please, please, please review. this was supposed to be entertaining. Please let me know if i've suceeded or not. Cheers!


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